Illustrative example — invented, not customer data
Setting a boundary, and what stays yours
One person asking for a change, one person who did not know it was needed, and a reason that does not have to be handed over to make the request reasonable.
Ellie
Preparing on her own, before anyone else is involved
Used in the conversations you have together, and in shared summaries and exports.
When you come over, I need us to agree it’s planned rather than dropping in. I’m saying this because I want you here, not because I don’t.
Only you. Your own guide can use it to help you. You can choose to share it later, one item at a time.
I’ve rewritten that four times to take out the apology. Every version I like less is one where I explain myself more.
Never shown, quoted, summarised, counted in a total, hinted at, or exported to them, and no notification is sent when you write it. Your own guide can still use it to understand you.
The real reason is that last time she let herself in while I was in the shower and I cried afterwards and told nobody. I want help saying the boundary without that being the story I have to tell to justify it.
Maureen
Invited afterwards, and wrote without seeing the above
Used in the conversations you have together, and in shared summaries and exports.
I didn’t know I needed to ask. I’ve had a key for six years and I thought it was a help rather than an intrusion. I can ring first — I would rather be asked than avoided.
Only you. Your own guide can use it to help you. You can choose to share it later, one item at a time.
I have been lonely since her father died and dropping in was most of my week. I don’t want that to be the reason she says yes.
A boundary is not a negotiation
Most of this happened before the other person was involved at all. Ellie used OnBetterTerms on her own to get to one sentence she could say without apologising for it, and that was the whole of the work. Inviting her mother was optional and came later.
The never shared level is why the sentence could be short. The reason behind the boundary is real, it shaped the guidance she got, and it is not something she owed anyone in order to be allowed to ask. OnBetterTerms used it and will not quote, summarise, count or hint at it.
What Maureen wrote is a reminder of the other half: the person on the receiving end usually has a private reason too, and it is often not the one you have been assuming for months.
What this is not
Not therapy and not a substitute for it. If a relationship involves being frightened, controlled, or coerced, a boundary conversation is not the right tool and the safest next step is not a better sentence. What we do, and where to go.
How to prepare for one A family example A workplace example
Illustrative example — invented names and invented content, not customer data. We do not publish anything a member has written. How the privacy levels work.