Illustrative example — invented, not customer data

Five conversations, and what happened next

Not five people with the same problem. Two co-parents where one wants it in writing, a couple where one explains and the other answers in three words, two flatmates four months into “it’s fine”, two colleagues and a thread with an audience, and two adult siblings counting appointments.

Each one starts where the argument actually happened — over text, in the kitchen, on the phone — and then shows what the same two people wrote in OnBetterTerms afterwards. The names, the words and the arguments are invented for this page.

Dara and Mel · co-parents, two years apart

A handover that moved twice

One of them wants it in writing. The other reads writing as a case being built.

Over text, on a Thursday evening

DaraJust to confirm in writing: Friday is now 6pm, not 4pm. That is the second change this month.
MelWhy does everything have to be “confirmed in writing”. We used to just talk.
DaraBecause last time we just talked and we remembered it differently.
MelFine. 6pm. Noted for the file.
DaraThat is not what this is.
Mel👍

What it is actually about. Neither message is about Friday. One of them is asking for a memory they can both rely on; the other is hearing an accusation with a timestamp on it.

What each of them wrote afterwards

Separately, without the other’s version on screen, each choosing a level line by line.

SharedShared — the other person can see this

Dara

I would like us to agree one thing: when a time changes, whoever changes it says so the same day. I am not trying to collect evidence. I am trying to stop having this conversation.

PrivatePrivate — only you can see this

Dara

Every time I write something down I can feel myself becoming the person they say I am, and I do not know how else to keep track.

SharedShared — the other person can see this

Mel

I changed it twice because my shifts moved twice, and I should have said so on the day rather than the night before. The writing thing makes me defensive and that is on me to say, not to act out.

What changed. They ended up agreeing one sentence about notice. The arguing about tone did not come back, because neither of them had to win it first.

Ines and Rob · together nine years

The money conversation neither of them starts

One explains at length. The other answers in three words and means it kindly.

In the kitchen, after the bank app was open

InesI am not saying you cannot spend it. I am saying I did not know it had gone, and that is different, and I have been trying to say that for a week without it sounding like this.
RobIt is my money too.
InesI know it is. That is genuinely not the thing. The thing is that I found out afterwards.
RobOkay.
InesOkay as in you agree, or okay as in stop?
RobOkay as in I hear you.

What it is actually about. One of them needs to be answered at the same length they asked. The other one has said everything he means and does not know what else is being requested.

What each of them wrote afterwards

Separately, without the other’s version on screen, each choosing a level line by line.

SharedShared — the other person can see this

Ines

What I want is a number we both agree we say out loud before spending. Not permission. A number. Below it, neither of us explains anything.

SharedShared — the other person can see this

Rob

I can do a number. When you explain it for five minutes I stop hearing it, and then I say something short and you think I do not care. I do care. I am just done at minute two.

PrivatePrivate — only you can see this

Rob

I grew up with someone checking receipts. I know that is not what this is. It still lands the same way.

What changed. They picked a number. The part that actually mattered — that one of them needs fewer words and the other needs more — got said once, in a place where it did not have to be won.

Tomas and Aoife · sharing a flat since March

The kitchen, and four months of “it’s fine”

One avoids every friction. The other takes “it’s fine” at face value, because why would you not.

In the hallway, on the way out

TomasSorry — is the kitchen thing still annoying you?
AoifeNo, it’s fine.
TomasOkay, good. You would say?
AoifeOf course.
TomasCool.
Aoife(It is not fine. It has not been fine since April.)

What it is actually about. Nobody is lying. One of them will absorb almost anything to keep a flat pleasant, and the other has no way to know that, because he has been told the opposite four times.

What each of them wrote afterwards

Separately, without the other’s version on screen, each choosing a level line by line.

PrivatePrivate — only you can see this

Aoife

I have said “it’s fine” about this eleven times and I am now angry about a frying pan, which I know is not really about the frying pan.

SharedShared — the other person can see this

Aoife

It is not fine, and that is my fault for saying it was. The specific thing is the pan and the hob at night. I am not upset with you. I did not want to be the flatmate who raises things.

SharedShared — the other person can see this

Tomas

I would genuinely rather be told in April. Ask me directly and I will do it — I am not going to be offended, I just cannot see it.

What changed. Writing it privately first is what made it sayable. She could put the angry version somewhere before deciding what the fair version was.

Priyanka and Stef · colleagues, same team

A delay that got a name attached to it

One escalates by adding people. The other goes quiet and starts writing things down.

A thread with three other people on it

PriyankaAdding Nadia and Tom for visibility — the delay came from the design side, so we should flag it now.
StefHappy to talk it through.
PriyankaOf course. I just want to make sure the timeline is clear to everyone.
StefUnderstood.
PriyankaAre you annoyed?
StefNo, it’s fine. Let’s pick it up Monday.

What it is actually about. One of them thinks visibility is fairness. The other has just watched a version of events get an audience before it got a conversation, and has gone somewhere they cannot be quoted.

What each of them wrote afterwards

Separately, without the other’s version on screen, each choosing a level line by line.

SharedShared — the other person can see this

Stef

I would like us to agree that when something has my name on it, we talk before it goes to a wider thread. Not to hide it. So that I am in the version that gets repeated.

Never sharedNever shared — the other person cannot see this and cannot tell it exists

Stef

I have been looking at other roles since March. I want help saying this well, and I do not want that anywhere near a shared space.

SharedShared — the other person can see this

Priyanka

I add people because I am frightened of being the one who knew and said nothing. I can see that it lands as a manoeuvre. I did not mean it as one.

What changed. The strongest level is the reason that first line got written at all. Somewhere to put the thing that is not the other person’s business is what makes the rest of it honest.

Hana and Wes · adult siblings, one parent between them

Who has been doing it, and what counting it does

One keeps score because otherwise it disappears. The other hears every number as a verdict.

On the phone, Sunday

HanaI have taken her to four appointments since Easter. You have taken her to one.
WesSo this is a scoreboard now.
HanaIt is not a scoreboard, it is a fact.
WesIt is a fact you have clearly been keeping.
HanaBecause nobody else is.
WesI am hanging up before I say something.

What it is actually about. The count is real and so is what hearing it does. One of them needs the work to be visible; the other cannot hear a number without hearing a judgement attached to it.

What each of them wrote afterwards

Separately, without the other’s version on screen, each choosing a level line by line.

SharedShared — the other person can see this

Hana

I do not want you to feel judged. I want the appointments to be somebody’s job on a calendar rather than mine by default. Those are different asks and I have been making the wrong one.

PrivatePrivate — only you can see this

Wes

She is right about the number. I have been avoiding it because going makes it real, and I do not want to say that to my sister on a Sunday.

SharedShared — the other person can see this

Wes

Put me down for the next two and tell me which days. I will do better with dates than with a conversation about whether I have been doing enough.

What changed. What they needed was not agreement about the past. It was one calendar and a way to say the hard sentence without it being an opening move.

What is the same in all five

Nobody in these is unreasonable, and nothing in them is a personality disorder. They are habits people fall into under pressure — and every one of them is easier to say once, carefully, than to defend live in a thread at eleven at night.

None of these exchanges happened inside OnBetterTerms, and none of them needed to. The product is for what comes after: each person writing their own account before reading the other’s, deciding line by line what the other can see, and getting back the part they actually agree on rather than a verdict.

The whole worked example How it works

Illustrative example — invented names and invented content, not customer data. We do not publish anything a member has written. How the privacy levels work.